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You may be surprised to hear that a socialist comedian is rooting for Zac Goldsmith. But let me explain myself. You see, it's like this: I just love a posh racist! And I'll always vote for them. Zac Goldsmith, Boris Johnson, Prince Philip - yep, I voted for them all.

Now, I'm not saying Goldsmith is an actual racist - I don't think he is - but he sure has done a lot of things a racist would do, and that's good enough for me.

Also, let me be clear: I personally hate racism. I dare even say that I think it's bad. But the fact is, Zac simply comes from better stock than me. So when he insinuates that a Muslim candidate supports extremists, doesn't support other minorities and will come after their jewellery, it must be me that's wrong. Because the alternative is that an incredibly expensive education actually turns you into either an ignorant idiot or a selfish calculating arse. And that can't be right. Can it? Can it, readers??

This is of course the same Zac Goldsmith who was recently dropped as the patron of his local disability charity because he voted for disability benefit cuts. If Goldsmith wants to tackle extremism, perhaps he could start by looking at his own party - because frankly, making the poor and the disabled pay for the bankers financial crisis is pretty damn extreme.

Khan voted for equal marriage, and got a fatwah put on his head for it. He's also Ed-Miliband- and Gordon-Brown-certified. Khan is about as normcore as you can get. Meanwhile, Goldsmith is a member of a political party that actively champions Saudi Arabia. Goldsmith calling Khan extreme is like someone from Mumford and Sons accusing Coldplay of being a bit middle-of-the-road.

Goldsmith's other famous quirk is that he didn't know Holborn came after Tottenham Court Road. (For what it's worth, I got 60 out of 63 in a "Name The Zone 1 Stations" quiz, which I think automatically makes me mayor. My first act will be to scrap the experiment of no-walking escalators on the underground, after which I will resign in a blaze of glory.)

Anyway, his supporters will claim it doesn't matter. It's trivia, they'll say, and to suggest otherwise is reverse-classism. Bollocks. It matters profoundly, firstly because HOW THE COCK CAN YOU NOT KNOW THAT HOLBORN COMES NEXT? It's basic geography. It's like not knowing that Portugal is next to Spain, or that Dec is next to Ant.

And secondly, it matters because being London mayor is mainly about transport. It's essentially an admin job. An incredibly important admin job, but still. I think that's why big personalities have always won in the past, because admin is a hard sell - and it's much easier to sell it like Boris did: while dangling from a zipline and pretending to be a clown to distract everyone from your awful politics.

At least Khan seems to actually love London. Still, I can't be passionate about him. It's testament to the New Labour machine that they could take an incredible human rights lawyer who protected people from the Metropolitan Police, and utterly suck every drop of personality out of him, like a George Foremam grill sucking out all the delicious juice, and leaving only a bleak, empty carcass behind.

I see why he has to say he's pro-business all the time, but I wish he'd just now and again remind us that he's also pro-workers. I mean, it should be implied of a Labour politician - but when it's a politician that entered the machine in the New Labour era, you can't be so sure. It's like how McDonalds shouldn't HAVE to actively reassure you that their burgers are made from real meat. But they do it anyway, because deep down, you know they REALLY need to reassure you.

I came back from Berlin recently, and realised that the sentiment "London is the greatest city in the world" is only half-complete. The full saying should be "London is the greatest city in the world, if you've never been to any other city".

Berlin is what Hackney thinks it is. It's got all the hipster art-wank, but with a kindness, and oxygen that smells like air, and rivers that presumably lead to paradise. And rent caps! Oh, the rent caps. They taste delicious. Rent caps even brought the average rent down by 3%. Imagine if we could do that in London. Why, our rent might drop to just £3,000 a month!!!!!! Haha, it's funny because we're being exploited by a vulture landlord-class!

Berlin's friendliness reminded me of the London I fell in love with when I moved here, back when it felt like a place that welcomed you if you didn't quite belong in your hometown, where nerds and weirdos who liked making things and doing things would be at the border with a home-made banner to greet you.

That isn't the city I live in now. 2016 London is just a collection of closed-down music venues converted into flats for oligarchs, punctuated by Pret a Mangers and pop-up cocktail installations that serve £20 watered-down drinks in fucking jam jars, because the people who are charging you a day's wages for your authentically working-class experience haven't actually met anyone working-class before, nor have they done even the briefest of research, and apparently instead have just gone "they probably drank cocktails out of jam jars during the war, didn't they? And if I had to guess, I'd reckon they ate ice cream from a tiny wooden slab, and sucked their roast dinners out of trilby hats."

I'm growing to hate this town. Cocktails in jam jars represents everything that London has become. Insincere experiences for the time-poor and cash-rich. Zac Goldsmith is the cocktails-in-jam-jars of people.

London doesn't have to be like this. I'm not going to tell you how to vote, but for what it's worth, I'm voting for Sian Berry. Partly because she bought me a drink once, and I think it's polite to return a good deed, but mainly because she's the only one that rents; because she wants to turn City Airport into social housing; and her one-zone-London transport policy is truly visionary. Disagree? Don't leave a comment, I literally don't care.

Besides, radical Green policies often end up becoming reality later on. A London Living Wage, 20mph zones and pedestrianising Oxford Street were all originally Green policies. Now all those things either exist, or are being proposed by the main candidates. I think she should have fun with that concept. She should try proposing the end of capitalism, just to see if the Tories roll with it in ten years time.

But let's all promise ourselves this: whoever we vote for, let's vote with passion. We get the politics and the politicians we deserve, but we don't deserve better unless we try. London is slipping away from us, but nothing is final. For every music venue they close down, let's start three. For ever Pret that opens, let's promise to support the indie round the corner, hidden down the alley with less footfall where the rent is cheaper. And for every block of luxury flats, let's start three housing co-ops. Promise me. Promise me you'll do this.

A friend on Twitter recently said that with the loss of Bowie and Prince, it felt like the world is losing the people who remind us that it's okay to be weird. Well, if those people exist in the next generation, they need a place to call home. That place was once called London. If the candidates wanted to give us hope, maybe they could pledge to do everything they can to make it home again. I can hardly think of a more inspiring vision for London.


@chris_coltrane is a comedian and activist who runs a political comedy club in Camden called Lolitics, which he also podcasts. Watch his show The News For Idiots on YouTube.
I make friendly socialist political stand-up comedy, and fun YouTube videos, with varying degrees of success.

I tweet at @Chris_Coltrane.

Please go to my website to download The Lolitics Podcast - a podcast of live political stand-up comedy from me and my friends.

And click here to see my YouTube show, The News For Idiots. I watch TV news, so you don't have to.

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