Chris Coltrane's Blog

Todd Barry interview wot I done for Londonist

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:48:34 GMT

http://londonist.com/2008/06/comedy_interview_todd_barry.php

Here's a quick interview I did with Todd Barry, a very aces American comedian who most folks in the UK will know from the last episode of Flight of the Conchords. He played the bongo player who made the band with Demetri Martin. He was also in The Larry Sanders Show, Wonder Showzen, Spin City and heaps of other stuff, and as well as all of that, he's a very ace comedian.

It was quite a tricky one, because I really wanted to avoid hack questions which he's answered before, but also had to ask such questions to introduce him to new people, AND to get those people to want to buy tickets. But I'm happy with the questions, and definitely happy with his responses. :)

Go to his website and take a look at the receipts section. Great stuff! Here's a few YouTube clips. He's playing from Tuesday to Friday at the Soho Theatre. Go while you can!

NEW ADAM BUXTON SHOW TONIGHT! glee

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 09:18:15 GMT

I think I'm going to spend all day watching this on repeat.

Nat Luurtsema Interview - Part 2

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 14:20:27 GMT

The other day, I interviewed my friend Nat Luurtsema for Londonist. The first part is here:

http://londonist.com/2008/06/dont_ever_heckle_nat_luurtsema.php

But we talked for such a long time that we didn't have room for it all on Londonist, so I've put part two here. It was a fascinating conversation, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Were you funny as a child?

I think I was imaginative. And witty and quick. But I remember that kids wouldn't laugh at things that I found funny. They thought it was a bit weird and dark. Perhaps it's because my reference points were a bit off. I mostly stayed in reading as a kid, so my references points weren't the same as those of sociable likeable kids. But I'm fairly sure that the humour I was telling back then is pretty much what I'm doing in my act now, which is working. And that feels like a small triumph! I often think it when I watch Child of Our Time, because there are some kids who are so solemn and charming and sweet, who are almost certainly despised by other kids, but who is melting all the adults watching. I feel like I need to tell them "Don't worry, people WILL like you... it's just that you might need to wait some years."

You should write a letter in to the producers. "Look, I know this sounds weird, but... I want to be friends with that ten year old".

I so do! There's one kid in the show who I absolutely want to be his big sister! One of the beautiful things about being a girl is that I can talk to kids on buses without people thinking that I'm a nonce.

I couldn't do that. I've got too much of a history.

Why can't they just forget the past!!

That's the problem with people, isn't it. Too quick to remember.

When you were either watching comedy or reading fantasy, did you feel that it was something that you wanted to do when you were older?

No, it never really occurred to me. When I was young, I could never really imagine my life as a grown-up. That's why I liked books. I was observing, hovering over the world watching, and no-one would ever turn around and ask what I thought. It was only when I went to university that I started to hang around with bright and creative people, whose parents had unusual jobs. I started to think that I could be one of those people who make and creates, instead of just being a recipient.

Then in my early 20s I helped to set up a radio station at the Edinburgh Festival. I once went to the Edinburgh Festival just to see a friend who was in a play in this small room. Before the show, a man walked through the room and started talking to us all, and I was horribly embarrassed. It felt really inappropriate and wrong. Like a crazy person on the tube. I could barely look him in the eye. But after ten minutes, I was hooked. It amazed me how he managed to take me out of the room, with just his voice and his mind. Ever since then, I've been hooked on comedy. And it's why I prefer small gigs to big gigs. Comedy in a theatre is nice, but there's nothing quite like having someone address 20 people to make you feel like something really special is happening.

You've been doing stand-up for just over a year now. What were your early gigs like?

I didn't start stand-up for years because I was so scared of failing, but one day I had an epiphany where I realised that I'd definitely be bad when I started, so I might as well start and get it over with. Rather than waiting for that magical first gig where everyone thinks I'm a genius, and I get carried away on people's shoulders.

What inspired this epiphany?

I think I just experienced a lot more failures in life. I was a really bright kid in school, and I was always frightened of falling below A-grade. Then I did a bit of student radio and won an award, but found that I couldn't get a job in radio, or a job at all! I felt like a massive failure, but I'd failed just enough to realise that actually, failing doesn't hurt that much, and that it's quite a necessary part of learning.

Have you changed much since your early gigs?

As a person, definitely. I really feel much more confident and robust, and I have more faith in myself. When bad things happen, I'm able to deal with them better. And I think I'm better at communicating with people, at being succinct, and at reading people. Because so much of stand-up is about psychology. When you're playing small rooms with no spotlight, where you can see everyone's reactions, it's interesting. You learn to judge people very quickly.

As a stand-up, I feel like I've gone through lots of small evolutions in my voice, but my writing is always the same. My jokes have my voice distinctively on them, because I can't really do this any other way. I don't think I could write things differently even if I wanted to. But the way I perform keeps changing.

Are the competitions and the nominations getting you better gigs?

Yeah. Increasingly, I remember when I started being booked for Friday and Saturday nights, I felt amazing. "Check me, I'm makin' it!!". But then I realised "oh no, those audiences are more drunk and rowdy! I had to drop some of my favourite jokes because no-one wanted to hear them. It made me pine for Monday night comedy fans who are just out for comedy. If I go into a gig and it's a sunny day, and there's people in a dank little basement wanting comedy, then I just want to kiss them all, because I'm so happy that they're that into comedy.

Do you find that audiences go along with you?

Most people, yeah. Especially now I'm getting longer sets, because the audience have a chance to get into what I'm doing, which is hard when you've only got five or ten minutes. I'm incredibly grateful that they do go along with me, because I can absolutely see why they wouldn't understand. But some people do sit there with their arms folded, looking at me like I'm mentally ill. And it's certain types of gigs. Imagine that it's a Saturday night, everyone's out with friends, they've had a few drinks, and they want someone to come on stage and do a good job. They've sat down expecting jokes, and they're demanding that you make them laugh. And fair enough, too. But sometimes those sort of people look at me as if to say "Hmm... the clown is broken"!

Perhaps that's a good thing about London. You do badly in somewhere like Reading, where there's probably only three gigs, and that's a third of your possible future gigs wiped out. But if you do badly in London, it's still terrible, but at least it sort of goes unnoticed.

Also, I've been offered some of my nicest gigs from comics who have seen me not do very well with an audience who weren't feeling it, but the comic liked it, and felt bad that it happened, so they said "Come to my gig. They'll like you." I think that's what Andrew O'Neill did with his gig at the Troy Club. "I have a safe place for you to go where they'll understand you." Never don't try your best, that's what I've learned. ...that's a very non-rallying cry, isn't it!

I see actors who are stand-ups who have this beautiful confident stage presence which I think it will take me absolutely years to get. And all kudos to them. Some people can walk up on stage and make everyone believe that they own it. I can't do that. It's not that I feel like I shouldn't be there, but I don't feel like I make it my own. One comedian once told me that we should all "paint the stage our colour", which I think is great advice. But it's hard to take when you're only doing five minutes. I'm doing a lot of 20 minute sets nowadays so it's easier, but when you start out and you only get really tiny spots, it's terribly difficult.

It's hard enough getting the audience to understand who you are and what you're trying to do in five minutes, let alone build up the command of a room. "Hello, my name's Nat Luurtsema. Well, that's all from me, bye!"

Unless you want to caricature yourself. I always try to me as close to myself as I can, no matter what. I enjoy being vulnerable and honest when I'm up there. But I don't want to demand that people listen. I want to coax them into listening instead.

Do you find making people laugh is addictive?

I think especially if you've struggled to talk to people at any point in your life, the feeling of making a whole room of people laugh with this big explosion of noise, just from things that you thought of and wrote down yourself in your little notebook, is definitely addictive. Even when a gig goes bad, that's weirdly addictive. Because you know that most people would think that it's one of the worst experiences you could have, so it makes you feel quite brave. You go up on stage knowing that you might face public humiliation, but you do it anyway. That feeling of bravery is very addictive.

In ten years time, perfect world, where do you want to be?

I'd be writing my own radio or TV shows, and still doing stand-up. Sitcom stuff would be cool. Most of all, I just want to be writing for myself. I've been a comedy writer for some time now, but I've only been writing for myself since starting stand-up, and I absolutely love it. A few years ago I had a job in an office that I didn't like. Now, the thought of doing any pratting about, writing jokes for my living, is just amazing. And I want to keep working hard, until I have an easy confidence on stage. That would be wonderful to me.

Gamarjobat pilot!!

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 09:20:07 GMT

http://magazine.brighton.co.uk/index.asp?sec_id=1&cat_id=30&sub_id=66&art_id=2587

Gamarjobat are recording a pilot for BBC Three!!

This news fills me with joy and excitement which will carry me through the rest of the decade.

Londonist - Edinburgh Previews

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:17:37 GMT

http://londonist.com/2008/06/edinburgh_festi.php

A selection of Edinburgh comedy previews that I put up on Londonist. If you live in London, then go to all of these. Especially Andrew's show tonight, and Pippa's show at the end of the week.

Mighty Boosh festival ticket for sale - £58.

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 12:03:21 GMT

I have a ticket to The Mighty Boosh Festival which I would like to sell to you!

I desperately want to go, as it looks like it's going to have an absolutely amazing line-up, but I can't really justify going to that AND going to Edinburgh.

The price is £58, which is what you'd pay for a new ticket including the booking fee. It's a day-long festival (ie. no camping) on Saturday 5th July, in a field in Kent. The line-up is immense:

MUSIC:
The Mighty Boosh - The Band
The Charlatans
Jarvis Cocker
Gary Numan
Peaches
Har Mar Superstar
The Kills

COMEDY:
Ross Noble
Josie Long
Matthew Holness as Garth Marenghi
Mark Watson
Milton Jones
Wil Hodgson
Tom Basden
Pappy's Fun Club
David O'Docherty
Simon Munnery
Andrew Lawrence
Robin Ince
Tony Law
Paul Sinha
And a million other people.

Anyone fancy it? If so, let me know!

Buttersafe.

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 08:58:13 GMT

Today, I recommend to you Buttersafe, an on-line comic which is both dark and twee in equal measure. Some strips inspire lots of "awwwww"s, and some will give you wtf-induced laughs.

These three comic strips made me laugh, smile, and shine inside:

http://buttersafe.com/2008/04/15/arbitrary-potato-and-the-most-beautiful-woman-in-the-world/

http://buttersafe.com/2008/04/22/this-is-for-you/

http://buttersafe.com/2008/05/08/sunglasses/

Buttersafe. My new best friend.

I R HIPPY HOPPS

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 15:02:22 GMT

It's a rapster with my moniker!

To mark this grand occasion, I have penned a lyric:

Yeah I know a lotta playaz wanna be like me,
Drinkin champagne and Bacardi in the VIP,
But it's easy to see,
If you're a straight-up G,
That there's only ever be one Double-C. Hoooo!

I wrote that 'specially for this post. Look at me, mum - I can do raps!!

Nah, I don't mind, we can both have the same name, really. Perhaps one of us can look after it during the week, and the other can have it at weekends.

(video was found by noize. Presumably while he was trying to find YouTube videos with me in. It's a good job that I'm nowhere to be found on YouTube! Nowhere, do you understand? NOWHERE!!)

Me + Edinburgh Festival = success!

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 13:54:47 GMT

I'm going to the Edinburgh Festival this year. It's official! Some men signed the paperwork and everything!

I get into Edinburgh at 1.38pm on Tuesday 19th August, and leave at 2pm on Sunday 24th August. Should give me enough time to see a show or two. Or forty.

mekare_enra, ailcia and sizzleleg - I request your presence on at least one of these days, for mischief, comedy, boozing and misappropriation.

The day I drunkenly tried to say Thank You to Mark Steel

Wed, 28 May 2008 21:39:54 GMT

People who have known me for more than ten seconds will know that my biggest influence - not only in comedy, but in leading a passionate life, in hating rich bullies, in exposing hypocrisy and in trying to lead the best way that I can - is Mark Steel. I've read all his books at least twice, and at any one time I am almost guaranteed to have a copy of one of them in my bag. I've consumed his TV and radio shows like they were the last breaths of oxygen on the planet. And every week I find myself nodding in agreement to practically every single word he writes in his column in The Independent.

So it's a bit of a shame that yesterday, I made a terrible arse of myself in front of him.

Sophi scored tickets to the recording of the most recent series of the Radio 4 show "Political Animal". I was deliriously excited by this news. Previous episodes have features Russell Brand, Stewart Lee, and a whole host of other big-name acts, all doing material that is strongly political and thoughtful, so there was a lot of potential for a very fantastic evening. Unfortunately, it all went a bit pear shaped.

Paul Sinha was on first and, of course, he was hilarious, skilled, and a pleasure to watch. If he's doing an Edinburgh show this year, I shall be front-row-centre, guaranteed. He had some superb material on race and religion which was completely perfect for the show. But the following three acts were dreadful. For a start, hardly any of it was political. They'd clearly just taken their twenty minute "aren't men and women different?" Jongleurs set, and brought it to a Radio 4 audience. Bile, bitterness and hatred was in abundant supply throughout all their sets. One comedian insisted on constantly referring to the audience as "you people", and then describing something that we all do because we're British. Apparently we're "too busy" hating the Germans that we're not finding enough time to hate the Americans. I genuinely, honestly have no idea what that means. Perhaps I mis-heard him, because as a paradigm it seems beyond ludicrous. Another comic had a joke which was essentially this: "It's no wonder rape is on the increase. What do you expect when a man goes to a lap-dancer, she wiggles her groin in his lap for half an hour... and then doesn't finish him off! What does the girl expect?! Come on girls, think about it!! Imagine if you were in a bar, and a man waved chocolate under your nose for an hour, but said you couldn't eat it..." HAHA! Do you see? Women deserve to be raped because they won't give the guy a hand-job after he's paid her to lap-dance for him! HAHA! It's funny!! It's really, really funn!! And it's really political too!!

Alternatively, if you want my real opinion, it is this:

>:(

So I was deeply unimpressed. Thankfully, so was Mark Steel, who closed the evening. He came on stage, and expressed all my disappointment and anger in such a perfect way. He said things like "Is this really Radio 4? Are a load of old ladies going to be tuning in to hear jokes about Madeline McCann?", as the previous act had done. He questioned the jokes, he questioned their approach to the show... it was exactly what I needed! In all honesty, I don't know how they're going to be able to use half of the jokes that those three comedians told. Thank Black Jesus for Mark speaking out in classic style!

He tried to do his set, but was battling against the rudest, noisiest audience you've ever seen. One girl in massive clumpy heals stomped out to go to the loo during one of his punch lines; someone was trying to move or build something back stage; another person in the audience made some massive thumping noises, which caused Mark to mock them by pretending to be them: "Yeah, don't mind me mate, I'm just putting up some shelves". But once the infuriating noise had calmed down, Mark was on perfect form, ranting about privatisation, Gordon Brown, the journalists who supported the war in Iraq, George Galloway, and a whole host of other topics. He was eloquent, charming, and without fail he was precisely on the ball. And it's precisely what makes him stand-out from everyone else. Marks set was also full of hatred and anger, but Mark's anger is focused on people who make themselves rich by making poor people suffer, or at people who ruin entire countries by declaring war on the flimsiest of excuses. Whereas the anger of those other comedians was to do with more broad problems. You know, like "women", or "chicken soup". While the other three comedians were vacuous, Paul and Mark genuinely had something to say. And in a way, perhaps that's part of the definition of an alternative comedian.

After the show had ended, there were some hilarious re-takes. Mark acknowledged that it was going to seem ludicrous before telling it, and so ad-libbed about two minutes of material around the subject to warm people up, and then re-wrote the joke for the punchline - you know, like a comedian with a clue would do. Then, Sophi and I headed to the bar. Something I forgot to mention - I'd been drinking since 5pm. Not massively, perhaps three pints in the space of four hours. But you must remember that I don't drink much nowadays, and so I was rather inebriated.

Mark Steel was chatting with someone behind me, almost ready to leave. I'd wanted to meet him for some time now, just to say something along the lines of "Hi! Sorry to trouble you - I'm a socialist comedian, and I just wanted to say thank you, because you've been a big inspiration to me. I really enjoyed your shows and always carry one of your books with me. Thank you for working hard, and inspiring me to do the same!" or something along those lines. But what I actually said was "HELLO! I'm teeeeribly sorry to bother you, but I'm a big fan, and shorry, I'm a little bit drunk, but I've read your books and like the TV stuff and I do comedy and shhocialishm, and you're big inshpiration, and > hic < and I..." etc. He was very kind about it, shook my hand, asked my name, and then sensibly made a hasty escape soon after I said "sorry to bother you" for the sixth time.

Working in comedy has led to me meeting a lot of the people who I idolised for a long time, but I think that there is some sense in the notion of not meeting those people who are true heroes to you. Not because you'll be crushed when you find out that they're just human beings, but because when you're me, there's a very large chance that you'll just look like a twat. Still, life is too short for regrets. I had no idea that he would be on the bill, and as embarrassed as I am about that way that I said "thank you" to him, more than anything I'm just very happy that I've finally seen him live.

In conclusion: Long Live Mark Steel!!

Richard Marx

Sun, 25 May 2008 23:07:50 GMT

The great thing about listening to Richard Marx through YouTube is that it doesn't appear on your last.fm profile, so I can listen to the cheesiest of rock ballads, and everyone will still think I'm an electro-daddy. The perfect crime!

Now, as long as I don't blog about this discovery, everything will be fine.

OH SHI--

Two Londonist comedy previews

Fri, 16 May 2008 18:17:50 GMT

Two Londonist previews wot I done:

http://londonist.com/2008/05/comedy_preview_2.php - Terry Saunders gives possibly his last performance of his show Missed Connections this Saturday

http://londonist.com/2008/05/comedymusic_pre.php - Stewart Lee, Richard Herring and Tony Law all on one bill! It's this Sunday in the afternoon, at a benefit gig for Resonance FM.

Bill O'Reilly before Faux News

Thu, 15 May 2008 13:36:24 GMT

http://gawker.com/5008668/bill-oreilly-meltdown-resurfaces?autoplay=true

Here's a video clip of the always level-headed Bill O RLY? having a big of trouble with The Englishes. What a horrible bully he is to his co-workers!

Found via Graham Linehan.

"Women are born deficient" is a bit hard to take out of context.

Thu, 15 May 2008 09:12:42 GMT

http://www.mediawatchwatch.org.uk/?p=1023

Shame that the Daily Hate-Mail had to be the first to pick it up, but nevertheless, a great result.

"Channel 4 and Hardcash Productions have won their court case against the West Midlands Police and the CPS.

The documentary Undercover Mosque showed candid footage of extremist Muslim preachers in the West Midlands calling for homosexuals to be killed, preaching jihad, and spouting demented medieval bullshit. Such preaching is not a crime in itself, but the West Midlands Police decided, in a shameful display of gesture-policing, that reporting on it was - and accused the documentary makers of distortion, and undermining “community cohesion” and “feelings of public reassurance”.

The baffled broadcasters were completely exonerated by Ofcom, but as the police left their initial press release up on their website, the producers felt they had no choice but to pursue damages.

They were awarded £100,000 - to be paid to The Rory Peck Trust - and an apology from the police and CPS."

MediaWatchWatch is a favourite blog of mine, and I definitely recommending adding this blog to your RSS feeds, if you don't read it already. They cover lots of stories regarding religious groups calling for censorship of anyone who criticises them, and groups on a moral crusade like Media Watch, Christian Voice (the people that ran the campaign against Jerry Springer: The Opera, and in doing so helped to rid our country of the blasphemy laws), and various Muslim groups around the world which call for justice towards the Motoon artists. It's a good read, sir.

Pappy's Fun Club on Radio 4 tonight.

Mon, 12 May 2008 08:44:35 GMT

If you're staying in tonight, you should tune into Radio 4 at 11pm to listen to the Pappy's Fun Club radio show! Pappy's are my favourite sketch group, extremely silly and playful, and are guaranteed to leave you in a state of delight so extreme you might need to run away to a deserted island, to get away from all the bad things in the world. That's the power of comedy!

Radio 4, tonight, 11pm. Be there or be rubbish.

My Londonist interview with Rich Sandling

Sat, 10 May 2008 19:45:19 GMT

http://londonist.com/2008/05/dont_ever_heckl_2.php

Here's my most recent Don't Ever Heckle column for Londonist, where I interview my favourite London comedians. This one is with Rich Sandling, the be-bearded film fan, and a fantastic comedian. Comment and recommend it on the Londonist site, and trick my editor into thinking that my writing is popular when it isn't!!

A nice letter from an old friend, and a bit about me as a kid

Fri, 09 May 2008 22:11:04 GMT

A really lovely thing happened yesterday. If you want to find out what it was, skip to the end. First, I'm going to give it a bit of context, and waffle on about some other things I did as a kid which never crop up in conversation. It's time to learn about me. Strap in, Jim!

When I was about thirteen, I was starting to get into anime, and Japan in general. It all seemed so exciting. Japan was a country which I knew absolutely nothing about, and had never had any sort of impact on my life up until that age, so discovering all this new anime, music, movies, and a whole new language, was heaps of fun. The Paramount Channel started showing anime late at night, so I started staying up until ungodly hours waiting to watch shows like Cyber City Oedo, Project A-Ko and Dominion Tank Police. Aah, such memories! It was usually on around midnight, so while waiting for it to start, I'd also watch lots of American comedy. The Critic, Dr. Katz, Frasier, Due South, Sledge Hammer, It's Gary Shandling's Show, and a LOT of stand-up. This led me to start consuming comedy with such a gargantuan appetite.

I also read teletext a lot. The Paramount Channel and Nickelodeon's teletext were both written by the same chap, who went by the monicker of "Ed". The quantity of pages that this guy would knock out in a day was quite something. Ed made sure that every single episode of every show that his channels pumped out had a one-page synopsis, and if you pressed reveal, you could also see the series and episode number. For a geek in the days before the internets, this was very exciting stuff. On top of that, Paramount had a daily letters page called Mailbox, which was a bit like a chat room before the internet. It was updated daily with about thirty pages of correspondence, with the majority of people using pen-names, talking to other readers through the letters page. The turnover of copy on those sites was such that it would be perfectly possible to spend an hour a day on teletext (coupled with all the glorious stuff on Channel 4, like Digitizer, and Planet Sound (did I remember that name right?). In retrospect, of course my time would have been far better spent reading books, and playing in the sunshine. Yeah, it's easy to point it out now, but where were you at the time? Eating Pot Noodle out of a dog's mimsy, that's where. So clean up the mess in your own back garden!

Nickelodeon teletext had a penpal service. I quite liked the idea of having pen friends. I wasn't hugely popular in school, so it seemed like a good way of having people to talk to without having to worry about them thinking I was a bit rubbish. So I sent off an advert. It was terribly generic. Something along the lines of "Hi! I'm Chris, a 13 y/o from Berkshire. I like music, basketball, computers and socialising. Let's be friends!", though possibly less interesting than that.

I was really excited when it appeared. The novelty of seeing something I've done on TV didn't wear off for a long time. I'd happily sit through ten pages of scrolling pages, just to see my penpal ad for five seconds at a time. It was a bit like that time when ITN filmed me playing Super Mario 3 in my bedroom after an interview they did with me about whether video games were addictive. I seem to remember saying "I don't think they're addictive. They help with my reflexes and education. I only play games for five hours a day!" Oh dear me. I also seem to recall Dominic Diamond mocking me when the news snapped back to the studio - and rightly so, too! But the footage from that interview got used on all the ITN subsidiary shows whenever they did a report on video games and needed a graphic. I found out about this when a girl came into school and told me that she'd seen me on The Big Breakfast that day. I thought she was testing my famous gullibility, until a few months later when I almost spat out my toast, as my stupid child face filled the screen. Who needs that when they're eating?! But it was still hugely exciting. Like being a celebrity, except without the fame, and lots of mockery from the ammunition that I had given the school Tough-Jacks.

Come to think of it, I should give that a bit of context, too. When I was nine, I won a competition that The Sun put on with Nintendo to see who was the best at games and that. Yes kneel before... The Nintendo Champion, 1992! All your admiration is perfectly correct, and that warm, moist sensation stirring between your thighs, that intense desire to pin me against a wall and screw me senseless, are natural. After all, I got the furthest into the first level of a speed run of Chip 'n' Dale: Rescue Rangers!!! Basically, I played loads of games and won, and in exchange, I got two weeks in Florida, a load of games, and I got to sit on Pat Sharp's lap. Sometimes I won in quite unfair circumstances - for example, the final round was a game of Dr Mario, a game which I was able to win because I owned it, and my opponent had never played. But who cares - I went to Florida!

But back to the story. I wrote into the Penpals page, but didn't hear anything back for about four months, by which point I'd totally forgotten about it. Then one day a big fuck-off envelope fell through my door. I guess that Ed was so busy writing stuff that he didn't have time to sort the penpals bit out. But somehow my dull and lifeless ad had got about thirty replies! All from girls, too. I wrote back to almost ever single one of them. I remember one of them being so frightening that I could barely bring myself to read to the end, for fear that she would actually spring out of the page and shout things at me. Two of them forgot to put their address on, which for some reason made me feel guilty that I couldn't reply, rather than thinking that they were a bit dim. As for the rest, there was a whole mixture of people. Some were very trendy and popular, some were rock 'n' roll, some were shy and bookish, and some of the girls had other personalities! Imagine that, with your tiny mind! To begin with I wrote to all 28 of them. After a couple of mails, I stopped writing to a few, and some stopped writing to me, but for the best part of five months, I was in regular correspondence with about 20 girls, all by hand-written letter.

The problem was that, with so many pen-friends, it became difficult remembering who I had and hadn't written to. So I made a table, with columns for each penpal, and rows for "thinks I'd dun wot I wanted to tell people wot I'd dun". So when it came to write to someone, I'd look at the chart, see what I hadn't told them, and write about it, like a robot filing a report. You'd think that would take some of the fun out of a friendship, but for some reason, I liked it. I live for admin, apparently. Without trying to get too deep, it sort of makes sense. I was very shit as a child, so it's totally believable that I would write these letters not for the friendship, but just for something to do to fill the time. In that respect, the procedure was probably a joy. God, what a massive idiot I must have been as a kid!

There was about three exceptions to that, though. There were three girls whose letters I could not wait to receive, and were a joy to read. One of them was a Chinese (I think) girl who spoke fantastically good English. She always stood out because she'd made her own envelopes out of magazine pages, and she always told such exciting stories. It pains me to say that I can't remember a great deal about the content of our letters. I hope you'll understand that it was over twelve years ago, and I find it hard to remember what I ate for dinner last night, let alone the content of letters I sent and received as a kid. But getting her letters was always an immense pleasure. I forget who stopped writing to who, but like all the penpals I had, one stopped writing to another.

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Cut to yesterday, when I got home from work, to be greeted by an unusually high pile of mail, one of which was a hand-written letter, in a writing I didn't recognise. I opened it expecting it to be a reminder from the dentist. Turns out that it was the Chinese girl that I was pen pals with twelves years ago! She was sorting through some old boxes, saw my letter, and dropped me a line to see how I'm doing! What a sweet thing to do. I really hope that I've still got her letters. I have a heart-wrenching feeling that I threw a load of mail out in a stupid teenage fit of trying to reject my childhood. If I didn't do this, then they're in the attic. Fingers crossed! She's on Facebook and that, which gives me a very good motivation to sort out my Facebook, MySpace, and LiveJournal user info, all of which I have neglected for far too long, considering how much time I spend on-line.

Her letter was just what I needed after a ghastly day at work. Last night, I went to bed happy. :)

Daft Punk lyrics

Tue, 06 May 2008 10:58:12 GMT

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Around-the-World-lyrics-Daft-Punk/66072659DFB3801348256C1A000A2C01

For karaoke fans - lyrics to Daft Punk's "Around the World."

Things that can fuck off, Part 1 in a series

Tue, 06 May 2008 09:08:00 GMT

- Any journalist who writes any phrase along the lines of "BoJo's lost his Mojo".

Joris Bohnson.

Sat, 03 May 2008 12:57:22 GMT

Well, Boris may be the new mayor, but at least everyone on my friends list seems to be making a post voicing their upset. Though it does beg the question - does anyone know anyone that actually voted for Boris? What was their reasoning?

Scientology + Beck = lol

Thu, 01 May 2008 17:39:45 GMT

http://www.lermanet.com/beck/

Lol - someone has made a guide on how to interview Beck, on account of him supposedly being a Scientologist. It's a funny read. Please bear point two in mind:

"2. Beck is likely unaware of much of the "wog" world around him."

You've got to be aware of the wog.

Scientology? In my vagina?

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:48:56 GMT

I've seen loads of websites recently with embedded video adverts where the static frame reads "SCIENTOLOGY: GET THE FACTS!"

I'm not that interested in visiting websites which take ad revenue from Scientologists. I'm a bit fussy like that.

What song has Ram Rider sampled?

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 09:58:58 GMT

This is really starting to annoy me... what's the name of the disco song that is sampled in this video, at about 1.30? Is it a disco sample? I'm going to be kicking myself when I work it out.

I expect chococat will know it, but if anyone else can get their first, you'll have saved my sanity.

(Edit: AHA! It's KC and the Sunshine Band, "Give It Up". Like all such realisations, it came ot me when I wasn't thinking about it. The sample suddenly appeared back in my head, along with the next bit of the tune where he sings "Everybody wants you...". Success!)

I have throat AIDS! :(

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 02:50:28 GMT

Oh dear me, I am ever so poorly! I have a retched phlegmy cough, ears which feel like they're going to pop at any moment, a throat which might as well be made of barbed wire for the pain I feel when I swallow, a pounding headache, and of course, all the dopeyness and drowsyness that accompanies it. I returned from Center Parcs yesterday, where I managed to fight off the AIDS, save for a few rather horrid bouts of coughing in the mornings. But in the car back I felt as rough as sandpaper, and by the time I got back to Newbury I was ready to just crawl into bed and cry.

I got to sleep at about 9pm, and woke up about an hour ago. The whole night was spent fighting with temperature. It creeped into my dreams at one stage. I remember one dream which involved me being at Center Parcs, engaging in an activity which I'm going to find incredibly difficult to put into words. In real life, I couldn't get hot for more than ten seconds, because even the slightest gap in my duvet seemed to send a wave of cold air all around me. This was represented in the dream by me being outside on a sort of mud ride with six other people. This mud ride had only a certain amount of heat, and we were all fighting for it. I was half awake at the time, so it was more like a hypnagogic hallucination than a dream. Either way, here I am at 3.45am, entirely unable to sleep, and feeling just dreadful.

I shall update about the week's activies soon. But first, I shall read my blogs. Internet: prepare for a barage of comments!!

Old Rope, The Real Daniel O'Donnell Show, Falling Down With Laughter, Londonist Meet, and more!

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 09:19:39 GMT

Christ's gaping anus, I haven't updated properly in years and years! I've been so busy, both with work and play. For example, a couple of days ago I submitted my overtime claim for the middle of March to the middle of April - 121 hours. Which should theoretically be good for the saving, but I must confess that I've also been out far more than I should be allowed to, considering my circumstances. I don't regret it for a second though, I've had such a wonderful time catching up with friends and seeing some great shows.

The Monday before last was the 7th, and was the first Monday without an After School Club. I wasn't sad though, because I got to spend the evening with Fiona (feebomon) who I hadn't seen in an eternity, give or take a few days. It was such a treat catching up with her. We met in a bar in Soho called Balans, and she brought my 40 days of sobriety crashing to a halt, as when I arrived she had a delicious fruity cocktail waiting for me. She's another comedy obsessive, which always leads to many conversations fuelled by excitement. For example, I'd recently watched all of Nighty Nighty, including all the DVD extras, and so we both talked about how much fun it would be to be friends with Julia Davis, because she's always bursting into fits of uncontrollable giggles during rehearsals. As we both live miles away we had to leave at a very unreasonable time, but it was okay, because...

The following Wednesday I met Fiona again! We went to see The Real Daniel O'Donnell Show, a comedy night I've wanted to go to for a long time, not only because I'd never heard a single bad word said about it, but also because one of the writers is Michael Legge, a chap I saw do a tremendous job of compering at the Amused Moose a few months ago. That's him in the picture on the right. It's a comedy night with a cast of about five regulars and a few guests, full of sketches, stand-up, pre-recorded sketches and music which is all created just for that night. Well, I've only been once so I don't know this for fact, but it certainly feels like it's written just for that show. It's a night run on love and excitement, a night for creativity and danger, and a night which I have every single intention of going to on a very regular basis. I also had the pleasure of meeting a friend of Fiona's called Catharine Rogers, who I soon learned was also The Opera Singer Lady that was on stage during Robin Ince's Book Club, which me and my friend Emma went to see in Edinburgh. I also met another friend of Fiona's whose name escapes me, and I feel utterly dreadful for the fact, but he was ever such a friendly man. He's recently started working for The Samaritans, and had some fascinating stories to tell about the training that they have to go through. We all stayed drinking at The Albany quite late, and all fell hopelessly in love with their chili rice puffs, which we bought in quantities which would make Brian Blessed blush.

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Last Monday (14th) I met with my friend James to go to Old Rope, a new material night near Oxford Circus. In a way, I think I enjoy new material nights more than actual comedy nights, because for a small price you get to see top comedians mucking about in a really relaxed, no-pressure atmosphere, and I prefer a laid back, shambolic approach to comedy far more than a super-slick professional evening. Robin Ince was down and had six pages of material, but had so much more to say that he only managed to get through one! He talked a lot about religious lunatics and the Daily Mail, which he said had been inspired by a book he'd recently read about the media. I had a chat with him in the interval, and it turned out that he was referring to Flat Earth News, a book which I heaped praise upon a short while back. Flat Earth News should act as a call to arms to anyone of sound mind, and comedians are able to actually act on that. We had a bit of a chat about The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe and Dawkins and other such lefty activities, which was nice.

The other acts were top, particularly Lady Carol, who wore an elegant black velvet dress, a black feather in her hair, and played a tiny ting guitar. Andrew O'Neill closed the evening with an extended set, and put on a glorious performance. Andrew convinced me to drink with him and his friends at the Crobar until a stupid time in the morning, at which point my friends Kate and Dave joined us. They run a new act night in Soho on Mondays, and frequently celebrate their success (and their night always is a success) by drinking until the sun rises.

Kate and David let me stay round their gorgeous house in Stoke Newington through all of last week. I don't understand how houses which are so nice can exist so close to Dalston Kingsland train station. It's one of those things which never ceases to amaze me about London. One road can be full of litter, filth, and people living in abject poverty. Then you can turn round the corner, and you're at Liverpool Street train station. London is a constant mind-fuck. Anyway, this week I've essentially slept at theirs, gone straight to work and done a day's grafting, then had a shower in work, and gone out for the evening. It's a system which worked very well, except for Wednesday evening when I went out for a Londonist meet, drank until 1am, and decided to sneak into the office, and sleep at my desk. I went down to the staff room and dragged a bean bag up, and had a fantastic night's sleep. No-one knew, though some people strongly suspected because I'd forgotten to take the bean bag back down before people arrived. Whoops!

(The Londonist meet was, as always, great fun. I finally met Talia, the music editor who has a taste of music which I strongly align myself with. Synths, beeps and electropop heavy. I say names like Pay TV and Matinee Club to her, and she knows who I'm talking about!)

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On Tuesday 15th, I met my friend Charlotte to catch up, and to go to some comedy. She runs a fantastic gig called the Funny Folk Cafe with her friend Jo, who sadly couldn't make it along. Charlotte and I bought a bottle of fairly expensive wine which ended up tasting like vinegar, but as with all terrible wine, became perfectly bearable once it has killed off half of the sensory apparatus of your mouth. It was great to catch up, and to know that things are positive with her.

There was only one comedy night in the listings which appealed to me, but luckily it appealed immensely. It was a gig in London Bridge called Falling Down With Laughter, and was full of sketch and character acts trying out new stuff. Almost all of it was solidly strong, but with a running time of just over three hours, and the fact that my bedtime the previous night was almost 4am, I don't mind confessing that I was almost falling asleep by the end of it. What a joy it was though! Pippa Evans was a personal favourite of mine, who performed two characters who I simply cannot do justice to with words. If I described them, you'd think I was insane, but if you saw them, you would howl with laughter. Joe Wilkinson teamed up with a friend to perform two sketches, which were funny in themselves, but made all the more funny by their ramshackle approach to "learning lines". Don't take that as a criticism; on the contrary, I could have watched an entire three hours of just them trying to remember their sketches!

The night was compered by a comedian with a quite thick French accent, who magically lost it when he performed in sketches as part of Cat of the Week. I think I was quite disappointed when I found out that he wasn't French, because I liked his voice. :) He was a really strong compere and a great performer. My mate Tiernan did a few sketches with his friends as part of the troupe Tea and Cake, which were really impressive. I won't say too much because I'm planning on seeing their Edinburgh preview, and no doubt I'll be heaping superlatives on it then. The Penny Dreadfuls closed the evening. I was familiar with their work from Radio 4, and they performed some really strong sketches to close the night. Sadly, my state of sleep deprivation had fallen to such extremes that I can't precisely recall the content of the sketches, but I laughed like a madman, and that's all that matters.

As we left, I said goodbye to Tiernan. As I did, his friend Lauren (also part of Tea and Cake) said to me "Where's your Michael Heseltine t-shirt?". And in doing so, Tuesday 15th April 2008 officially marks the first time that someone has quoted my stand-up at me! My immediate reflex was to play along, but also be modest, so I just said it was in the wash. But in my mind I was screaming "OM MY GOD OH MY GOD!!", so what I actually wanted to do was jump for joy, kiss her with Italian passion, buy everyone champagne and take the revolution out to the streets. Alas, I was too stunned to even make a comment about how she was quoting me. What a dick I am! Still, it had me smiling for the rest of the trip home.

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I've probably been up to more stuff besides this, but I fear I must dash now. Sophi is staying round mine today, so I'm going to pick her up from the station, and spend all day watching comedy. On Sunday I'm going to the ICA with Fiona to see the new Mark Heap and Tasmin Greig movie, with a Q & A which I'm sure will massage all my comedy geek glands (if you like Green Wing or Spaced, you should call the ICA to book tickets!). And then next week I'm off to Centre Parcs. Imagine that!