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This year at the Edinburgh festival I had the honour of having a joke from my show included in the Top Ten Best Jokes on the Fringe.

Personally, I thought the joke didn't work quite as well when it's written down - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately." - but people liked it, they voted for it, it got my name out there a bit, it was a nice treat.

The round-up of the best jokes on the Fringe is sponsored by Dave, who push to get the list into as many newspapers as possible. One of the newspapers it featured in is Rupert Murdoch's The Sun. You'll remember Rupert Murdoch's ethical organisation from such adventures as lying about Hillsborough, and hacking the phones of the dead.

I was one of a few comics who had their photo alongside their joke in The Sun's article:



But wait a second. I recognise that picture... That's a publicity photo from my stand-up show last year, Activism Is Fun! (Which you can download for free here!) And they've cropped it, so it's just my face.

That's weird. Why would The Sun crop out of the rest of the photo?

I think I might know why...

My Application To Write For UniLad.

You know UniLad. The website that was shut down after they posted a "joke" suggesting that men should rape women if they can't pull them, because rape conviction rates are so low that they'll probably get away with it.

UniLad took some time off to think about their actions (or more accurately, in the hope that the controversy would somehow magic itself away). And now, they're back - and hiring! According to their Twitter page:

"We're looking for banterous new writers to join our team. Give us a shout on contact@unilad.com. Cheers. #LAD"

So I've decided to apply. Do you think I'll be in with a chance? If I do hear back, I'll let you know.

=============

Oi oi lads!

Saw your tweet looking for some "banterous new writers". Let me tell you, I am WELL interested! Nothing I like more than a bit of banter between lads!! Like the other day, I was down the boozer with my boys after the game, out on the lash. My mate Barry dropped his bag on the floor, and a BOOK fell out, so we called him gay and pushed him into a bin! HA! It was well jokes, he was crying and bleeding and shit because the bin had glass in it or something. What a dickhead! We called him a "glass bastard" for the rest of the night, and then we went for a kebab and got our dicks out and did fighting. Fuckin' smashed it bruv!!

Anyway, long time fan, first time mailer. I love UniLad! I totally get your sense of humour: it's like you're making all these points about the world, like how men are better than women, and how we should do everything we can to pull them, even if it's illegal; but you don't really mean any of it. But also, you TOTALLY mean all of it! It's genius, it's exactly what I'm like. It's like this t-shirt I've got, it says "Federal Boob Inspector"! It's like FBI, yeah? But it doesn't mean FBI, it means "Federal Boob Inspector"! And I'm not really an official boob inspector, but also, I totally AM a boob inspector! I'm always looking at tits! Hey, imagine if that job actually existed!! You'd have to be all like "Here love, have you got a license for those"? HA!! Mate, it'd be mental.

See, that's the kind of banter you'd get from me! Top bants, yeah? Sick bants! Here's another one: "Here, you know girls that like dubstep? I tell you what, I'd well put a wob on them!" Haha! I meant like a wob is my penis!

I love jokes about women, and gingers and the French. I've got all the Frankie Boyle DVDs and books, and I've even got all the old classic Bernard Manning live shows on VHS. He knew how to banter, didn't he? I loved how he took foreigners down a peg or two! I bet they'd be fuckin' running the place if he weren't for him. He'd talk all about how they were stupid and how they stank. But he didn't really mean it! But also, he definitely meant it. But it was okay, because it was a joke! Hang on, I've forgotten what my point was… Wait, you shouldn't analyse it too much, because then the joke stops being funny, and also because you might learn truths that you don't want to learn about yourself, and then the tears start coming again, and lads don't cry, which means thinking about jokes is for queers.

I definitely think I should write for you. Like yourselves, I have an irrational fear and hatred of women. The way I see it is, feminism has gone too far the other way, you know? Like, how's it fair that women want equal pay (thank god they are still so far from it! A 22% pay gap is nowhere near enough! I want a pay gap so big I can shove my dick in it AND my friend's dick in it! But not in a gay way), but they STILL want men to hold the door open for them? It's stupid! Either you take lower pay, or you let me slam the door in your face. You agree, right? I know you do, I can tell, cos you and me, we're both lads, right? Just having a joke about slamming a door in a woman's face! That's just what I'm like, I'll make a joke out of it because it doesn't even matter because I don't even care! You've got to smash 'em to keep 'em keen, am I right? You know I'm right, don't you? Please tell me I'm right.

I tell you what gets me, is when women have their own sexual autonomy. OH THAT MAKES ME SO MAD. I saw an advert the other day where a woman looked all sexy and the man looked like an idiot. I was like, hang on, how's that fair? If it was a bloke in the advert making a woman look stupid, everyone would say it was unfair! I said to my bird, I said "Right, I'm not buying that Cif kitchen cleaner ever again." But then she started squealing something about how capitalism and marketing exploit both the sexes, so do you know what I did? I just shoved my cock in her mouth!

NOT REALLY! What actually happened was, I just ignored her, and felt uncomfortable and confused, and I got all these sudden dull pains in my tummy that I didn't know what they meant. But if I wrote for UniLad then I'd totally say I just put my cock in the bitch's mouth to shut her up. Yeah, I'd call her a bitch! I mean, I love her and all, but it's just a joke! Cos I'm a banterous lad! It doesn't hurt anyone, does it? Because everyone's smart enough to know it's just a joke!

Well, that's what I told my bird. She said something I didn't understand about "propagating rape as acceptable" and then she walked out on me, and now I'm alone, so I really need this job. I don't even mind doing it for free. I just need to vent the anger out. You're a lad, you know how it is. We can't let 'em win, can we? We're better than them. Come on, let me write for you, and then we'll properly put women in their place. You are gonna let me write for you, yeah? Seriously. I need this.

Cheers,
Chris.
About twelve years ago, my Granddad unearthed a huge collection of a magazine called Everyday Science, from between 1919-1921. It was a popular science periodical focusing on the lay reader, and covered the stories of the day with minimal recourse to scientific language, focusing on those stories where the science was applicable to everyday life. They were tattered, and had that distinct smell of decaying crumbling paper. The rust from the staples had actually started to work its way through the pages, so we had to turn each one with the sort of care you might usually reserve for lifting injured roadkill. By reading it, there was every risk that the entire magazine might actually crumble in my hands. But it was worth the risk, because it was simply amazing.

I hadn't seen them for over a decade, and was sure that I'd thrown them away, in a fit of adolescent idiocy. So imagine my surprise, and sheer delight, when, while clearing out the loft of old junk (including almost every episode of Friends on VHS - how much of a winner was I as a teenager!), I found them not only all in one pile, but sealed in individual bags, every bit as fragile as the day I received them.

Let me share them with you. Here's a selection of my favourite articles, adverts and covers, like this genius invention for The Spinning-Top Cycle. Forget about such trifling issues as "safety", "centre of gravity" and "elegance" - any stylish gent will tell you that THIS is the best way to get around town!


If, for some ludicrous and unfathomable reason, The Spinning-Top Cycle doesn't appeal, then why not try The Winged Motor Car! A great idea, with just one slight flaw. Can you spot it? (Hint: the answer is "everything to do with this idea".)


Do you want the convenience and luxury of first-class rail travel, but with the fuel-guzzling wastefulness and the perilous danger of a budget airline? Then why not take The Flying Train! I want to know not only how it lands back perfectly on the tracks, but how it lands without the rotary blade being smashed to bits, because when the plane is on the ground, it looks like the blade gets awfully close. But hey: I guess that's why I'm not a scientist!


I think this is my favourite mode of transport though, and possibly my favourite front cover of them all. There's no explanation at all on the front cover as to what is going on here, and so far I've resisted the temptation to look inside for the answer, because I'm satisfied enough with the idea of taking a young girl, chucking her in a bag, tying her head to a massive cable, and sending her hurtling over a five hundred foot drop in the Amazon.


There's plenty more under the cut. Click here to see lots more covers, and a selection of the most interesting articles and adverts. And remember: it's all in the name of SCIENCE!Collapse )
I make friendly socialist political stand-up comedy, and fun YouTube videos, with varying degrees of success.

I tweet at @Chris_Coltrane.

Please go to my website to download The Lolitics Podcast - a podcast of live political stand-up comedy from me and my friends.

And click here to see my YouTube show, The News For Idiots. I watch TV news, so you don't have to.

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