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My Application To Write For UniLad.

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You know UniLad. The website that was shut down after they posted a "joke" suggesting that men should rape women if they can't pull them, because rape conviction rates are so low that they'll probably get away with it.

UniLad took some time off to think about their actions (or more accurately, in the hope that the controversy would somehow magic itself away). And now, they're back - and hiring! According to their Twitter page:

"We're looking for banterous new writers to join our team. Give us a shout on contact@unilad.com. Cheers. #LAD"

So I've decided to apply. Do you think I'll be in with a chance? If I do hear back, I'll let you know.

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Oi oi lads!

Saw your tweet looking for some "banterous new writers". Let me tell you, I am WELL interested! Nothing I like more than a bit of banter between lads!! Like the other day, I was down the boozer with my boys after the game, out on the lash. My mate Barry dropped his bag on the floor, and a BOOK fell out, so we called him gay and pushed him into a bin! HA! It was well jokes, he was crying and bleeding and shit because the bin had glass in it or something. What a dickhead! We called him a "glass bastard" for the rest of the night, and then we went for a kebab and got our dicks out and did fighting. Fuckin' smashed it bruv!!

Anyway, long time fan, first time mailer. I love UniLad! I totally get your sense of humour: it's like you're making all these points about the world, like how men are better than women, and how we should do everything we can to pull them, even if it's illegal; but you don't really mean any of it. But also, you TOTALLY mean all of it! It's genius, it's exactly what I'm like. It's like this t-shirt I've got, it says "Federal Boob Inspector"! It's like FBI, yeah? But it doesn't mean FBI, it means "Federal Boob Inspector"! And I'm not really an official boob inspector, but also, I totally AM a boob inspector! I'm always looking at tits! Hey, imagine if that job actually existed!! You'd have to be all like "Here love, have you got a license for those"? HA!! Mate, it'd be mental.

See, that's the kind of banter you'd get from me! Top bants, yeah? Sick bants! Here's another one: "Here, you know girls that like dubstep? I tell you what, I'd well put a wob on them!" Haha! I meant like a wob is my penis!

I love jokes about women, and gingers and the French. I've got all the Frankie Boyle DVDs and books, and I've even got all the old classic Bernard Manning live shows on VHS. He knew how to banter, didn't he? I loved how he took foreigners down a peg or two! I bet they'd be fuckin' running the place if he weren't for him. He'd talk all about how they were stupid and how they stank. But he didn't really mean it! But also, he definitely meant it. But it was okay, because it was a joke! Hang on, I've forgotten what my point was… Wait, you shouldn't analyse it too much, because then the joke stops being funny, and also because you might learn truths that you don't want to learn about yourself, and then the tears start coming again, and lads don't cry, which means thinking about jokes is for queers.

I definitely think I should write for you. Like yourselves, I have an irrational fear and hatred of women. The way I see it is, feminism has gone too far the other way, you know? Like, how's it fair that women want equal pay (thank god they are still so far from it! A 22% pay gap is nowhere near enough! I want a pay gap so big I can shove my dick in it AND my friend's dick in it! But not in a gay way), but they STILL want men to hold the door open for them? It's stupid! Either you take lower pay, or you let me slam the door in your face. You agree, right? I know you do, I can tell, cos you and me, we're both lads, right? Just having a joke about slamming a door in a woman's face! That's just what I'm like, I'll make a joke out of it because it doesn't even matter because I don't even care! You've got to smash 'em to keep 'em keen, am I right? You know I'm right, don't you? Please tell me I'm right.

I tell you what gets me, is when women have their own sexual autonomy. OH THAT MAKES ME SO MAD. I saw an advert the other day where a woman looked all sexy and the man looked like an idiot. I was like, hang on, how's that fair? If it was a bloke in the advert making a woman look stupid, everyone would say it was unfair! I said to my bird, I said "Right, I'm not buying that Cif kitchen cleaner ever again." But then she started squealing something about how capitalism and marketing exploit both the sexes, so do you know what I did? I just shoved my cock in her mouth!

NOT REALLY! What actually happened was, I just ignored her, and felt uncomfortable and confused, and I got all these sudden dull pains in my tummy that I didn't know what they meant. But if I wrote for UniLad then I'd totally say I just put my cock in the bitch's mouth to shut her up. Yeah, I'd call her a bitch! I mean, I love her and all, but it's just a joke! Cos I'm a banterous lad! It doesn't hurt anyone, does it? Because everyone's smart enough to know it's just a joke!

Well, that's what I told my bird. She said something I didn't understand about "propagating rape as acceptable" and then she walked out on me, and now I'm alone, so I really need this job. I don't even mind doing it for free. I just need to vent the anger out. You're a lad, you know how it is. We can't let 'em win, can we? We're better than them. Come on, let me write for you, and then we'll properly put women in their place. You are gonna let me write for you, yeah? Seriously. I need this.

Cheers,
Chris.
Chris lives in London. He is a stand-up comedian by night, a writer by day, and a thorn in politician's arses whenever the opportunity arises.

Chris loves comedy, activism, socialist politics, feminism, civil liberties, science and skepticism, Japanese things, and electro.

Twitter: @chris_coltrane

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